When an exciting nine months pass and a child is born, all the attention of the parents is directed to the baby. But unexpectedly in their personal relationships, there are problems. How to pass the beginning of the parent path with minimal difficulty?
During this period of complexity in the family, there are both psychological and physiological. More often it is a problem of sexual properties.
Young fathers add to the family as a huge stress: someone falls into a quiet depression, and someone simply misunderstands the new rules of the game. One of the reasons is the change in the regime and way of life. Now there is no freedom, there is more routine in life, at night the spouses do not sleep, and in general they do not have time for themselves or for each other.
Men may have a temporary illusion that this will always be so, and nothing will change. The mother’s thoughts are close to this, but they (if it’s not about postpartum depression) still perceive the new state more harmoniously.
The second reason is that women cease to give men the same amount of attention, since the child is the first place. Here there can be different feelings – from sadness and resentment to the most real jealousy towards the baby, which, though in its own way stupid, but, nevertheless, has grounds. There is also a suspicion that “at the moment I need not by myself, but only as a source of stability and well-being”.
Mothers find it difficult to understand how you can make demands to it when it’s already spinning all day, like a squirrel in a wheel. Jealousy to the child seems to her generally wild.
In the psyche of women at the same time, their changes are not fully understood by the satellite. The main topics of discussions are diapers and feeding, there is not much time to communicate with her husband.
In addition, women, on the contrary, feel their heroism with a taste of sacrifice: I suffered, gave birth, suffered, while he was at rest at home (if the birth was not joint), and now I sit in four walls, while her husband goes to work, communicates with people. In this case, you can get off on reproaches, sometimes with no basis.
What does a man think? She is unfair to me. What does a woman think? I have the right to do this, because the most difficult thing is for me.
Another reason can be expressed by the phrase: mother becomes a mother, as soon as she learns of pregnancy, and the father needs to learn to be a father. The woman is more prepared for the appearance of the child, the man has an abstract perception. The clash of these two positions can lead to a serious conflict.
It is important to know, the birth of a child is often associated with a systemic family crisis. At the same time, in the risk group, first of all, couples with a family experience of more than three years, or, conversely, just married. Habits of the former are already too settled and it is more difficult for them to restructure, and the second ones did not yet have time to get to know each other to the end and did not feel themselves as a “separate pair”.
Return to the senses. The first commandment is to remember that all this is temporary, and it will be easier to continue. The child will grow up, and the picture of the world will look a little different. In the end, your husband is the same person who was dear to you, and, therefore, you will overcome difficulties.
Talk to your spouse. It is necessary to find out what excites you the most, and, accordingly, to explain your feelings. The main thing is not to accumulate grievances for a long time and not to burden each other with “general accusations”: “you do not give me time at all”, “you forgot about me”. Use more specifics. Ask to help your husband to sit with the child while you go to the shower, make a peeling and lie down half an hour on the couch, doing light meditation.
Do not ignore the wishes of the spouse. In a soft and constructive manner, explain that without help you can not cope.
By the way, about the help. Be sure (do not bend the stick), involve your companion in caring for the child. Do not be afraid to leave your baby with your dad for an hour, do not “hammer” his initiatives.
Continue to be interested in each other’s affairs.
If you have enthusiastic assistants, do not hesitate to use their support. It is important now, at least for a short time, to be alone to remember how this is at all. In the first days it is difficult, but in the first months it is already possible to make forays into the cinema and on walks.
Intim do not offer. The woman’s rejection of sex is what becomes the last straw, and pushes the man to conclusions about his “uselessness.”
The first three to four weeks, doctors for various reasons recommend refraining from intimate life, and this issue disappears by itself.
A woman refuses sex because of general fatigue and depression. Routine, trouble, I always want to sleep, what a sex life!
There are also some physiological characteristics – the very sensations of sex change (by the way, this can be felt by a man), a woman experiences painful discomfort. During pregnancy, the body worked differently and still needs to return to the “norm”. Someone needs very little time for this, and someone may take this process up to six months. There are also hormonal changes – produced prolactin and oxytocin somewhat reduce sexual desire.
There are also causes of psychophysiological properties. A woman re-senses her body, which is often changed after pregnancy and childbirth. A list of possible means of contraception (if a woman is breastfeeding), somewhat narrows – for example, the usual oral contraceptives are excluded. And at night an alarm is added that the child will require attention.
If it is a question of fatigue, it is worthwhile to involve the spouse in solving this problem, explaining the motivation. You should have the opportunity at least a couple of times a week to get enough sleep and rest.
Painful sensations are eliminated with the help of lubricants.
You can start with a small – just tactile contact, gentle touches, oral caresses. The new state is an excellent occasion to try new poses, which will prove to be the most comfortable.
It is worth bearing in mind that a woman has sex in many ways “in the head”, therefore, the more she abandons stereotypes and complexes about her own body and other things, the easier the process will go. With a competent approach after giving birth, sex becomes brighter and more intense.