Often you can hear about how difficult it is to find a common language with older relatives, especially if you have to live together. However, even if you have a separate living space, you can not always avoid problems. Since childhood, our age is associated with wisdom, gentleness, kindness and grandmother’s pancakes. Adult people build relationships in a different way. Communicating with the old, we can face bitterness, endless grumbling and selfishness.
Council of Elders
Sometimes an elderly person behaves in such a way that it seems that everyone is doing wrong. Only he knows how to. This translates into a lot of critical remarks in the direction of the young relatives.
One of the biggest problems is bitterness. Old age in itself is a pretty serious test. You have to face the understanding that life is finite. A reassessment of life results may start to affect, old wounds – unrealized, accumulated anger. All this reminds of itself more often and splashes out on loved ones.
Another misfortune is tediousness. His roots can also go to the past and be a consequence of the fact that earlier people around him did not listen to his opinion. A conviction is formed that in order to be heard, one must speak more and more often, repeating the same thought repeatedly.
A characteristic quality of the unruly old people is painful resentment. Any remark or just a lack of attention turns into pursed lips, a statement of displeasure.
“The elderly have their own peculiarities, ” says Rodion Chepalov, a psychologist at the St. Petersburg-based Sundance Center. – Depending on the type and dynamics of personality, they can be expressed in different symptoms. This is occupied by geropsychology. The most unpleasant, when these signs become stubbornness, impatience to someone else’s opinion, inflated self-esteem. Among the difficulties – the inability to agree, reach an equal partnership, get a brief and efficient advice and assistance within reasonable limits. “
The final stage
In general, in old age, the character becomes more complicated with the appearance of limitations in life, and from the perception of existing dependence or from fear of potential, and from fear of one’s own helplessness. And anger is sometimes also a way to attract attention.
His role is also played by his own sense of uselessness and loneliness. The latter is acuter if a person has lost a spouse or husband, and lives at a distance from his children. When a person is over 80, one must also take into account the peculiarities associated with possible pathologies of the brain and with the atrophy of individual cells. Alas, many senile diseases can change or worsen the character.
My dear old people
If your old people live separately, it’s easier psychologically, but more difficult physically: you need to visit, help, bring bags with food. An important role is played by the degree of kinship. It’s one thing, your own grandmother, who raised you, another thing – a harmful elderly mother-in-law. In the second case, one can not avoid prejudice from both sides. But both of them often demonstrate the same problems in behavior.
1. The aggressor. Everything you do is bad and wrong. This is said in a harsh manner, down to insults. Sometimes such relatives have a tendency to complain about children to others.
2. Forever offended or grumbling. No, such relatives will not show aggression and insult you, but their sighs and sad reproaches will create a lasting sense of guilt.
3. The “bee”. Grandmother, belonging to this type, and grandchildren from the school will take, and cook dinner, and pie in the evening bake. She does not think about herself, but on the other hand, she demands that for her labors there be a considerable moral return on your part.
4. The egoist. Yes, such elderly relatives will not go into your life and harass you with advice. All this does not interest them very much. But take care of yourself will be demanded in full. They can manipulate information about their health to force you to rush to yourselves to the other end of the city.
5. Mistrustful. They do not trust anyone, including relatives and friends. The latter are suspected that they are just waiting for their untimely death and are trying to seize property.
6. God’s dandelion. Quiet and harmless type, hovering a little bit in other areas, but often in need of increased tutelage.
Grandma has arrived!
We can say that there is a whole program for communicating with elderly relatives.
First of all, you need to have patience, patience and again patience. “One can imagine an elderly person as a child and try to remember what good things he has done for you, ” says Rodion Chepalov. – Try to see the positive features and think about what you’ll ever become like. Treat the elderly relative as much as you would like to be treated in your old age. “
In direct communication, it is also necessary to master certain skills in the art of conversation. It is worth talking more with an elderly relative, finding common themes and points of contact.
It is easier to agree with other relatives than to engage in a long and unconstructive dispute. It is not always worth paying attention to the form in which this or that advice is expressed. If it is efficient, then why not use it. We agree, sometimes we are more annoyed, how exactly all this is said, what prevents us from understanding what they want from us. Moreover, you can often ask advice. But for the elderly, the formulation is more important than the very essence of what has been said.
It is better to ignore unmotivated aggression. With the aggressors, grumblers and mistrustful old people, the method of the glass hood, that is, psychological distancing, works well.
In general, one should take care of one’s own remarks. Annoying that a relative for a long time does not follow the rules of hygiene? It’s not worth demonstratively wrinkling your nose, it’s better to motivate the old woman to “create a new look.”
“Any comments should be expressed in tactful form, ” Rodion Chepalov said. – Everyone needs respect. Try to avoid conflicts: generalizations (“you always …”), appeals to the past (“how much you remember, you are terrible …”). In dealing with elderly relatives, it is necessary to apply all those anti-conflict methods that apply to other people. And the basic principles of communication should be kindness, respect, mercy, compassion, tolerance, compassion. “
Fill the void
Often older people do not know what to attach themselves to. Therefore, they must be given the opportunity to feel their need. Sometimes it seems to you that when you free your grandmother from the troubles associated with her grandchildren, you are doing a good deed, but this is not always the case. Particularly in need of congestion “bees”.
People living alone are very important “ritual” of being – that is, regular outings to people.
Its value is also in the calls at certain times and visits from your side. This helps the elderly relative to keep himself in tone and feel some kind of well-being of his existence.
And as for the type of “egoists”, the relationship with them should be determined on the principle of “contract”, that is, by defining your obligations to the smallest detail, proceeding from the possibilities.